Leave the past, just there, in the past.

I often reminisce about the past as if those were times to glorify. They weren't. Nostalgia and the question of what could have been have always been prominent in my mind. Not anymore. I feel as though this mindset has held me back. I became aware of this while reading my old entries. I made so many goals that I never accomplished, I saw life in a different light, I was naive to most things, I wasn't as genuine and pure as I could have been, and I loved the wrong way.

I want to free myself of all of this as it has been a heavy burden on me. I want to start anew. The hardest part of all of this is that I have to start over in the same physical location I've always been. I have to remind myself that this is all temporary and as long as I keep focused on where I truly want to go and what I want to accomplish, there's no place I can go except forward.

Something I've recently come to the realization of is I should never ponder on what could have been between someone I admired romantically and me. It never happened for one reason or another, but for a just reason nonetheless. I don't wish to go back to a past love again. I feel that it will be no more of a surprise than a rerun of a sitcom. I wish to learn from these mistakes and love better in the future.


"Oh I do believe
You are what you perceive
What comes is better than what came before"
-"I Found A Reason" by Velvet Underground

Maybe I'll see you in a day or two or maybe another year or two again.

maybe I turned it up so you would listen.

"I guess you know that I, uh,
love you so,
even though,
you don't want me no more,
hey, hey, hey, I'm cryin' tears,
all through the years,
I tell you like it is,
honey, love me if you can."

Perhaps my Freudian slip?

I long for moments like Sunday morning when we're laying in the grass and the leaves together with that certain comfortable silence that brings peace to my heart. It's as if time is frozen. I want to lay there forever.

I really wish I could grasp an understanding of this all. Why we can't be together? Why do you act so fickle towards me?

I'm so tired of cryin'! "I'm so tired of being alone!" I just want my baby back! I know you know how much I love you. I've never known anyone that projected so many emotions from me. It's truly unbelievable.

Just sayin'

"I think if you truly love someone you never get over them." -Wade Mahon

Wade told me that today. I thought about it for a little bit and I agree. I'm glad I have some pretty smart people surrounding me in life.

That's actually all for now.

Caring to learn, but mostly learning to care.

I really feel that I'm learning a lot more about myself than I ever did. This is a relief, finally. I've been so lost for way too long. I'm finally learning to be noble after about two years of Crystal telling me to "be noble" at the end of every conversation. I never really knew what it meant, but now I think I'm developing an understanding of it. I'm developing an understanding for so many things and it's beautiful.


Main Entry:
Pronunciation:
\ˈnō-bəl\
Function:
adjective
5: possessing, characterized by, or arising from superiority of mind or character or of ideals or morals : lofty

It turns out that life isn't just about defiance and arrogance. I always knew it wasn't about selfishness. One out of three is not so bad.

My morals are mainly based on the Christian morale because that's how I was raised, but I do practice 100% tolerance. I do believe in a God. He's my personal depiction of God and no one can take that from me.

I will always be fun loving, free spirited, adventurous, and an independent thinker. I'm learning responsibility, true passion, and humility.

Why Not Take All Of Me?

"You took my kisses and all my love
You taught me how to care
Am I to be just remnant of a one side love affair

All you took
I gladly gave
There is nothing left for me to save

All of me
Why not take all of me
Cant you see
I'm no good without you
Take my lips
I want to loose them
Take my arms
Ill never use them
Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry
How can I go on dear without you
You took the part that once was my heart
So why not take all of me"

-Billie Holiday

I never imagined these feelings would devour me like this. I miss him so much. I miss us. I'm just going to continue to show him that I love him. That's all I feel that I can do.

You know I've never heard a better depiction of love than in the bible to this very day. I read 1 Corinthians 13 today for the first time in three years. It's really beautiful. I would like to love everyone like that. I'm going to read it every morning.


Good morning, heartache. What's new?

New Year Means New Resolutions

I have plenty of improving to do. I'm working on self-control most of all.
Here goes...

Resolutions for 2009:
-Stop shopping at Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters
-Delete my Myspace and Facebook
-Start sewing and knitting at least twice a week
-Work out 3 times a week
-Triple my book collection
-Practice bass and guitar at least 15 minutes a day
-Save $3000 for Chicago
-Focus on school and make good grades
-Write! Write! Write!
-Read a new book every two weeks
- Blog a lot more
-Work on not cursing and getting upset as much

I think that's it. I bought to great book of stories! I'm excited!

rant! rattle and roll!

I have no concept of time. I don't even notice how long or short a minute really is anymore. You're lazy because you don't want to work. That's what I've always been told, but I really do want to just experience life. I don't like occasionally looking outside the windows at work and watch the progression through the day. I want to be a part of it.
I want to disassociate myself with a lot of people. Honestly people that I wouldn't mind if I never saw them again. That's sort of sad to me, though.
The only person that I care about their opinion at this time is Aaron. I don't even want to get into writing about him. He's seriously my dream boy. He gives me a warm feeling when I think about him or look at a picture of him.
I know I let him down sometimes, but never intentionally. I just don't see it, but that's my fault. I should put myself in "other people's shoes."
I guess it's just overwhelming all the people that are visiting too. It seems even more scheduled. I just want to hide and do some things for me. The things I've been meaning to do lately. This is my winter break, but it doesn't feel like it.
haha look at how many "I"'s there are. I want to focus on me sometimes. If I won't, who will?
Joel told me to "curl up, fuck off and die" tonight on the way home. You know how you avoid those that you care about

Publish Post

telling you that. Avoid everyone. He was drunk, but it still hurt.
I'm so done ranting.