rant! rattle and roll!

I have no concept of time. I don't even notice how long or short a minute really is anymore. You're lazy because you don't want to work. That's what I've always been told, but I really do want to just experience life. I don't like occasionally looking outside the windows at work and watch the progression through the day. I want to be a part of it.
I want to disassociate myself with a lot of people. Honestly people that I wouldn't mind if I never saw them again. That's sort of sad to me, though.
The only person that I care about their opinion at this time is Aaron. I don't even want to get into writing about him. He's seriously my dream boy. He gives me a warm feeling when I think about him or look at a picture of him.
I know I let him down sometimes, but never intentionally. I just don't see it, but that's my fault. I should put myself in "other people's shoes."
I guess it's just overwhelming all the people that are visiting too. It seems even more scheduled. I just want to hide and do some things for me. The things I've been meaning to do lately. This is my winter break, but it doesn't feel like it.
haha look at how many "I"'s there are. I want to focus on me sometimes. If I won't, who will?
Joel told me to "curl up, fuck off and die" tonight on the way home. You know how you avoid those that you care about

Publish Post

telling you that. Avoid everyone. He was drunk, but it still hurt.
I'm so done ranting.

gotta go gotta go gotta go right now

I haven't written in here in almost a month. I've been on the go all the time, though. School and work are killer. The good news is that school will soon be over for the semester(which reminds me to sign up for classes tonight at midnight?)

Lee and I are really kick starting this zine. I don't think anyone knows how important this is to me. I'm finally starting my zine after the third(different people involved each time)try.

It disappoints me to think this, but I often question other people's passion for anything when they don't really act on it. You can't say you are something when you make no attempts in it. I understand people have big hearts and they want to do things for animals and humanity, but how are we going to get anywhere if we always put ourselves before anyone else?
It's not the thought that counts in this situation!
If there is something that you're passionate about it read about it, learn it, live it, breathe it, create it! Take action! If you commit to something, stick to it.

Attack!

I had the first panic attack of my life.
"Is this what dying feels like?"
funny, huh?
Fuck what I value!
schoolworkschoolwork
What a fuckin' tool!
Am I more fortunate than the homeless man that falls asleep gazing at the stars?
I would normally say yes, but right now it's the only thing I wish for

My Bucket List

In my Composition I teacher told us to make a Bucket List for a quiz grade so I did. These are 10 things I plan to achieve before I die, or kick the bucket.

1. Move to Spain
2. Graduate college, majoring in Journalism and Creative Writing.
3. Create my own popular magazine
4. Become a successful author and journalist
5. Start a semi successful touring music band
6. Open a music venue
7. Adopt at least one child
8. Learn as many languages (fluently) as possible.
9. Learn as many instruments as possible.
10. Become Vegan and stay that way.

I'm the writer from the block

I'm going through a sort of writer's block. I can write a stupid essay for class, but it seems that writing in such a generic manner with a particular format is hindering my creative abilities. I'm glad I'm taking creative writing next semester. That will be quite a relief.

I believe I first learned of this writer's block when I tried to write that bland sounding poem about the main character of Ham On Rye. If you look back to the blog that I mentioned writing about him, you'll see that I've edited that part. Now It doesn't say anything about writing a poem because the poem I tried to write was generic garbage. I'm a robot for college!

This is a shout out to Aaron! He's not my friend on this blog and he won't tell me his blog name, but I know he reads every one of my blogs.

I have a question for you all. How far do you think dreams go? Like how much of dreams are true or imagination? I've been having some really weird dreams. Only certain parts are really vivid. Some of them don't make any sense at all and others answer some of my questions in real life, but I don't know if my thoughts are just trying to give me what I want to hear, sort of humoring me.

I love the people that are becoming so close in my life lately. I can count them using less than two hands, but I like it that way.

not enough time in a day

Andrew from work gave me a spider ring today. I like it. I hate real spiders, though.

It's so hard to get to where you want to be in life. I want to go to college in Chicago so I have to apply for financial aid, scholarships, the college, make a good grade on the SATs. I wonder if it's worth it sometimes. It probably isn't. It's what I want to do. I hope Lee is serious about moving.

I finished Ham on Rye FINALLY. I enjoyed the book a lot. It was about rejection and the absurdity of how people think they have to be normal and fake. It's also about a slightly disturbed man that is pretty sure he can live his life using fighting as his defense, alcohol as his support, and writing as his passion.

Big Brother Big Sister hooked it up with a little sister. Her name is Zamantha. She's a hispanic girl that is repeating the 5th grade. I hope I can be a great influence in her life and encourage her to do well in school.

Tomorrow I will start my work outs. I'm glad that I finally have a routine, but then I don't.

Megan is supposed to come over to talk about the zine. I hope we don't get distracted this time. I can tell it's really important to both of us. we just seem to get side tracked.

Yeah, I suck. In a good way, though.

I'm really lagging on this blog thing. I write like once a week and if you think I'm bad at this one, you should check out my livejournal. I'm new to this whole blogging thing again. Give me a break. Plus, live journal plans to be more of my creative writing blog. This is my real journal, I guess.

I've been listening to a lot of Born Ruffians lately. They're what I like to call brilliant.

Tonight, I went to Spiral Diner and Barnes & Noble with Aaron in celebration of our 8 mos. that was yesterday the 21st. That guy is the best thing for me. I can honestly say. We went to his house and fell asleep quickly. I just feel at utmost comfort along side him. He said that he would not mind living with me. That meant a lot more to me than he probably knows.

Yesterday, I hung out with Bailey. It was the first time we'd hung out alone so there was plenty of getting to know each other. She's a really swell girl. One of the few people I know with a good head on her shoulders.

I want to move to Denton a lot more than I did before. It seems like a lot more friends are there. A lot of people I need to catch up with, at least.

Lastly, I'd like to a shout out to Melissa Jane. I thank her for being my support team. I just wish this distance or financial defecit didn't keep us from spending some genuine friend time together.

go go gadget pen!

hahaha I'm supposed to be doing an essay. I'll get it done sometime tonight. Procrastination is actually somewhat exciting to me. This semester should really end soon. I'm ready to take more classes.

Sometimes I really want to know what people think about me. It's interesting to me. Everyone has their own perception. I just think I'm a weirdo. I really want to move far away from here and start all over and meet all new people.

I wish I had a solid new best friend. Someone that enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs.

Can I get a pulse?

It's frustrating to be able to be so miserable and not be able to make it into a song or poem. I might be just trying to ignore it all because I sit to write and i can't think of anything to write about. I sit and cry and don't know what I'm crying about. I'm desperate for something and I don't know what it is.

I wish something or someone could resuscitate me.

It's hard to feel so alone in a place that I've resided in for so long. I wouldn't t say lived, haha. I find my friends distancing themselves or vise versa and for the first time in my life I don't care enough about it to try to change it.

I'm doing well in school and that's one of the few things that make me content. The thought of obtaining knowledge is one so beautiful to me.

At least you read more when you're alone. I've been reading Bukowski's Ham On Rye and it's quite entertaining. I've been finding myself thinking of maybe doing similar things the main character would do, but thankfully those thoughts don't go any further than my head. I don't want you to think I'm weird if you have ever read or will read it sometime in the future. Especially, since the character and I are of opposite sex. I'm not going to defend myself. It's just funny to do such adolescent things, seem so apathetic toward authority and awkwardly experiencing things for the first time.

Maybe that's what I miss about being younger. I should try to experience new things. Maybe I'll feel alive again. I sound like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. Gees.

"I aspire to be so much more than this.
Any place is better than here..."

Songs are the only encouraging words I hear. It's like they play at just the right time, in just the right sequence. They're the only things that make sense.

If I'm going to progress in my writing, I have to say everything that I feel or felt. It's what everyone wants to hear. It's what they can really relate to. I just can't be scared to write it. I have to learn how to not fear what they'll think.